Once upon a time in Mumbai

This is going to have to be a two part series b/c otherwise this post will be forever long.

I don't even know where to begin with India. It was the experience of a lifetime. One that I have no need to ever do again. It's such a cliche to write but Bombay is nothing if not a city of contrasts. Take New Orleans and amplify the poorest parts by 1,000 and the richest parts by 1,000. Leave the middle as is...actually take out the middle all together. There is no middle. Just the shittiest shithole I've ever seen (pardon my French) and the most beautiful architecture and colors on the planet. And Monkeys everywhere!

Hindu (correction: Hindi) word of the day: Gora - light skinned person. There aren't alot of us in Mumbai, particularly blonde ones. And you get stared at as if you were the biggest, pinkest elephant in the room, though to Indians, I imagine an elephant would seem more natural than a pale, blonde chick sweating like a whore in church. I am not lying when I say they STARED, more like gawked. Lunch my first day, I looked to my left and a family of six were looking directly at me, all six of them. Didn't turn away when I caught them either. There are probably millions of secret photos of me all over India now as I caught quite a few people trying to secretly take a shot. I know this behavior b/c I do it often here in Singapore. One nice fellow at the Gateway of India, Ricky, actually asked to take a picture with me. Of which I obliged him until a crowd started to form around us snapping their own photos. I'm not lying. I promise you, it's the funniest thing ever. I never really knew what to do with the attention so really I just ended up ignoring it with an occasional giggle between Joe and I.

Amazing Advertising Learning: Apparently the mystery is solved. The #1 shampoo is Pantene. Or Dove. I didn't capture any photos b/c we were always in a cab but Pantene and Dove are running the exact same campaign in Mumbai. The Headline is: The Mystery is Solved. The #1 Shampoo is..." and then the bottom half is either Dove or Pantene. I feel like someone should have caught that. Hopefully, ME Mumbai doesn't have either of those accounts.

Dumb American moment: Oh countless, countless moments. If I hadn't had Joe, who had already been in India for 2 weeks, I would have been a goner. I had no idea what to do with the money. I had no idea what to eat. I had no idea how to haggle (still don't). I had no idea how to do anything and was petrified of everything. Particularly the bird crap that landed on my hand after the meat market. I was so scarred that I couldn't even bare to look at what had landed on my hand so the tour guide lead me to water and rinsed off my hand for me. Stupid American.

Arrived in Bombay Saturday at noon. Joe picks me up at the airport (like a good friend) and we take a cool cab the hour it takes to get to the Fort area where our hotel is. You would think this meant the boondocks of Mumbai, but it doesn't. It was bumper to bumper the entire way and we were actaully moving at a decent pace. The city is just that effing big. Something everyone should know when traveling to Bombay is that no normal rules of engagement apply to the roads of Mumbai. There are no lanes, there are little to no stoplights and it barely matters what side of the road you are on. I never took a picture (probably b/c I kept my eyes closed most of the cab rides) but I found this online and it mildly does it justice. Mopeds, motorcycles, animals, people walking, cars 5 wide in what should have been a 3 lane road. Literally, if they see an opening, they just nussle right in and honk at the people next to them to let them know they are there. That's the other thing, in America/Signapore we honk when we're pissed or someone does somethig wrong. In India, they honk just to let someone know they are there. That means constant, CONSTANT honking. Always. Never stops. Forever.

I said a cool cab, because there is a difference. The yellow and black cabs that look like this are not air conditioned. It's not as bad as it sounds b/c once you start moving, the air through the window feels great. But when you stop, god help you. Some yellow and black cabs have air con but it charges you extra, it's a nominal difference of about a $1 (50 Rupees) so I'm not sure why we ever took the non air conditioned cabs. Then there's the Cool Cabs which are usually blue and are only air conditioned. They are also heaven on Bombay's streets.

Saturday we did a little walking around and ate some Indian food where I experienced the staring family. Came back to the hotel to cool off and relax for a bit before heading back out around dinner time. Went to Cafe Mondegar for some dinner and a beer before heading next door to Leopold's Cafe which is a popular nightspot for foreigners and Joe and I had an interesting time trying to be European in the techno music. We also apparently missed the memo that we should know all the words to the World Cup song. Whoops.

This becomes a pattern you will notice in each day. Walk around, sweat, lunch, shop, sweat even more, back to hotel to cool off, nap, then back out to shop, sweat like a pig, walk around, continue sweating more than I ever have in my life and eat. Except for the last day. i stopped eating then. I think it's self explanatory.

Sunday was a veeeerrry interesting day. We got up and went to the Crawford Market which is one of the most prominent markets in Mumbai. When you walk in, I guess the pasty white skin signifies tourist and a gentleman offers to take you around as a tour guide. He was very nice. If you google it, they tell you it's a paradise of fresh fruits and vegetables and the fragrance can be smelled for blocks. What they don't tell you is that when you get to the back, it's not fruits and veggies anymore. It's chopped off chicken heads and guts and meat hanging from the ceiling pretty darn close to it's original form. All of this is in a semi enclosed space that is at least 90 degrees. The colors of the fruits and vegetables were beautiful and before you got to meat hell you passed the 'pet store' with the cutest puppies and dogs ever! And then we went in. I was horrified. But for some reason couldn't look away. The floor was incredibly slick with what I can only assume was moisture and blood. I almost slipped once and had a premonition of me falling and never, ever being able to get that funk sufficiently off my body.











After that we went to an India restaurant where there's no menu. You just say whether you want spicy or not spicy and they bring you all this stuff in these little bowls.

If you want to see all of my pics I posted on Facebook and I believe you can follow this link to view even if you're not on FB.

I will go through the remaining 2 days in the next post. I'm still recovering from the 4 days in India. Oh and Kris's birthday party on Saturday.